


Are You Ready for Marriage?

by Celebrate_the_irony



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Aunt May dragged them to marriage counselling AU, M/M, Peter is taking it seriously, Wade is not taking it seriously at all, this can only go well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:21:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7788280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celebrate_the_irony/pseuds/Celebrate_the_irony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"How am I going to counsel you if you don’t bring the lucky lady along with you?"</p><p>Or Pre Marriage counselling with Aunt May's pastor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are You Ready for Marriage?

**Author's Note:**

> Comes back after a month to post a weird one shot I got the idea for after watching MST3K
> 
> I also have another weird one shot that I may or may not post instead of updating my WIPs, I'm a terrible content creator

“No.” Was Wade’s instant response. Peter hadn’t even finished his sentence yet and Wade already didn’t like where this was headed. It was too late however, they were already making their way inside the church. This was ridiculous, there was no way this was making any sense. A gay couple like them should not be getting pre-marriage counselling from Aunt May’s pastor. This was a bad idea from the start and Wade was inwardly cursing May for suggesting it.

The reason why she suggested it was Peter foolishly announced their engagement a month after telling May they were an item. May had decided they were rushing into things and needed to get their heads on straight. This was despite them dating for three years and knowing each other for over a decade. So she had scheduled them in for Pre Marriage Counselling to “make sure you’re sure”.

_[Code for get your hands away from my nephew]_

Not that Wade knew any of this until they were already at the church. Peter hurriedly explained it as he was dragging Wade inside, and Wade means dragged, there were dents in the pavement from where Wade had dug his heels in. There was no way in hell Wade was going to sit for an hour while being lectured on why he shouldn’t marry his boyfriend. But then Peter busted out the puppy dog eyes and asked Wade to ‘do it for me’ and Wade grumbled that this was the last time Peter could pull that trick this was getting out of hand.

They entered the pastor’s office to find an old man in a suit older than Wade was, he was wearing glasses the size of his own ass and more hair on his arms than he had on his entire head. He gestured for the two of them to sit on the chairs positioned in front of his desk. He put his pen down and lent back in his seat so he could fully look over Peter and Wade.

“So which one of you is Peter?” The Pastor asked.

“Hi and this is-“ Peter said and went to introduce Wade but the Pastor had other ideas.

“How am I going to counsel you if you don’t bring the lucky lady along with you?” The Pastor chuckled.

**{Oh dear lord}**

“Hi, I’m the lucky lady. Wade Wilson.” Wade answered for Peter and held out his hand for the Pastor to shake, he did so very uncomfortably.

“Rev. Rueben Hill. May didn’t mention you were… of this lifestyle.” Wade had never seen someone go such a bright shade of red within seconds of meeting him. It was a new record. Before they could respond he let go of Wade’s hand and shook his embarrassment off. “No matter. May tells me you have been moving at an impressive speed. How long have you two… been intimate?”

“About three-“ Peter went to answer but again the pastor wasn’t convinced that Peter should have his opinion heard.

“Months? Ahh the spoils of young love.” The Reverend sighed wistfully. “Have either one of you been in love before?”

_[Does our uncle count?]_

**{Oh my god}**

“Yes but it wasn’t like this, this is the real thing.” Peter answered, Wade didn’t know how he felt about being touched by something so cheesy. The Pastor looked at Wade for his response.

“Oh, yeah sure why not?” Wade said hurriedly. The Pastor looked very disappointed in this response.

_[My answer would have gotten a better reaction]_

“I had a friend in college who had ‘the real thing’ with nine different girls in quick succession.” The Pastor chuckled dismissively.

**{Warren Beatty?}**

_[Oh yeah we’re down with the kids]_

“What makes you think that you’ve got the real deal?” The pastor asked. Wade didn’t have anything for this, he didn’t know there were going to be questions he would have studied. He hoped Peter was better prepared than he was, however looking at his expression he looked even more stumped than Wade was.

“Well,” Peter finally said. “There isn’t anyone I’d rather be with, we get along really well with barely any arguing.”

_[Liar, just this morning we were bickering over whose turn it was to take the trash out]_

**{He knows this’ll go back to May of course he’s going to lie}**

“No arguing? Why not? Don’t you have any differences of opinion? Or no opinions, maybe?” The Pastor’s train of thought took a strange turn.

_[Objection! He’s leading the witness]_

“What do you two talk about?” The pastor suddenly changed topic, Wade has been interrogated before and that didn’t feel as much of an interrogation as this does.

“Oh you know, anything and everything. Movies, television, songs.” Peter said vaguely. Wade could see beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. The lengths this boy will go to for family is astonishing. 

“Movies.” Wade added unhelpfully. Peter gave him a subtle look that confirmed that he indeed was not helping.

“What about Peter’s line of work?” The Pastor asked, Wade looked blankly for a moment as he figured out how the hell Aunt May’s reverend knew about Spiderman. Unfortunately, the reverend took this as a sign that Wade didn’t know what Peter’s profession was. “As a scientist?” The reverend prompted.

“Oh! Well we’re so preoccupied with other topics of conversation that it never comes up.” Wade replied. This was not the answer the reverend was looking for. He could see Peter start to rub his temples.

“Hmm I see you two have some things to talk about. Let me give you a little thing I like to call Cupid’s Checklist to help you get started.” The pastor said before reaching over to open a draw in his desk. Peter looked alarmed by the concept of a Cupid’s Checklist.

**{That’s not old people talk for Viagra is it?}**

The pastor pulled out a literal checklist much to Peter and Wade’s relief. It had three things listed.

“First, similar backgrounds. Do you have similar ideals to base a relationship around?”

_[Similar backgrounds? What is this? Deliverance?]_

“Second, are you real friends? Pals through thick and thin. And third do you understand marriage? A marriage isn’t like the kind you’d find in a song or in the movies.”

“We like movies!” Wade said excitedly and nudged Peter’s arm. Peter gave him a look that said that he was either going to laugh or kill Wade.

“Err well yes, you’ve mentioned.” The Pastor said flustered.

“Look I don’t really know the answers to your questions, all I know is I’m in love with Wade and I want to marry him, is that so wrong?” Peter interrupted dramatically as he slammed the ministers desk, Wade had to stifle a giggle. There was silence from the minister. “Sorry, loaded question.”

“No, no you’re quite right in asking. And it’s a great start to a relationship, but don’t you think it’s wise to take time to figure out how your differences might strain your romantic relationship?” The pastor was out of his depth here.

“Time? But we don’t have any time the wedding’s in a month!” Peter replied panicked.

“Can’t we just settle these differences after we’re married?” Wade said in his most melodramatic voice.

“Quiet honey this man talk.” Peter shushed him. Wade had to bite his cheek to stop himself from cackling. 

“What if you’re not successful?” The Pastor asked Wade.

“Well there’s heavy drinking and porn mags.” Wade replied earnestly, the pastor’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. Wade could see Peter turn away from the pastor to bite his fist and regain his composure. “Kidding,” Wade said before the pastor turned an even brighter shade of burgundy.

“People as they age, mature and become more rounded out people, who knows if the person you fell in love with now will be the same person at forty, particularly if you don’t know the person as well as you should.” The Pastor finally managed to spit out. Peter turned sombrely to Wade.

“Gee honey, I guess I don’t like you after all.” Peter said as though he was telling Wade that the weather was raining instead of sunny.

“I guess neither of us has a chance for love, ever.” Wade agreed. The Pastor looked startled by this response.

“No! No, I think you two have a lot of potential to be a wonderful married couple. But you wouldn’t try to plan and build a house in three months would you?” The Pastor clarified.

“Sure, why not?” Peter said earnestly. The Pastor was a few more dumb statements away from cracking open a bottle of Tennessee whiskey and renouncing the church.

“If you want a marriage that’ll last forty or sixty years how long do you think you’ll need to prepare for it?” The Pastor asked, ignoring Peter’s response.

“Oh boy, this is approaching science, look out.” Wade muttered darkly.

“How do we know if we’re prepared for it?” Peter asked as though this was scripted.

“There will be a new feeling between you, you’ll be thinking as one unit acting as one unit, you approach things as what’s best for the pair of you rather than individually.” The Paster explained.

**{We were doing that already though}**

_[Hell we’re doing it now]_

**{Why are we here exactly?}**

“Hm sounds familiar.” Peter mused. “Well, will we be seeing you at the wedding Reverend?” Peter asked as he stood up. Wade was curious to see where he was going with this.

“Have you listened to anything I just said?”

“I have and you know I’d like to think we took the time to sort out our differences in the ten years we’ve known each other before we started dating. And then in the three years after that we’ve spent living together. But the knowing you’re ready for marriage part really helped me cement that this idiot over here is the idiot for me. Make sure you let my Aunt May know how this all went, I’m sure she’d be glad to hear. It was a pleasure Reverend.” Peter said with his usual charm. He then held the door open for Wade to stand up and walk through. Wade stood up and curtsied.

“Hope to see you there, we’ll make sure our beloved Aunt May gives you an invitation.” Wade smiled as he followed Peter out the door. The flabbergasted look on the Reverend’s face was worth the price of admission alone. As soon as Wade closed the door behind him Peter pulled him into a kiss.

“I thought we were taking this seriously,” Wade murmured as Peter pulled himself away.

“Yeah well, when you bring out Cupid’s Checklist you gotta abandon all hope.” Peter shrugged as he started the walk back to the car.

“Even for Aunt May?” Wade asked impressed.

“Even for Aunt May, she’s going to get one hell of an angry phone call from that pastor.” Peter thought aloud.

“Serves her right.” Wade scoffed.

_[Bless the nosy old bat]_

**{That we will never call that out loud if we want this marriage to succeed}**

“I hope he does come to the wedding, he could use something good in his life.” Peter said wistfully. Wade couldn’t help but agree, behind the glasses that were bigger than several species of mammals there was a sadness in that old man eyes, or at least sadness at seeing Peter and Wade.

“Look if your Aunt has her way he’ll be the celebrant,” Wade pointed out, Peter eyes suddenly went wide in a mix of realisation and horror.

“Oh god, you’re right. We need to finalise one the second we get home, there is no way I’m having Cupid and his checklist at my wedding.” Peter said disturbed at the thought.

“Are you sure? What about our similar backgrounds? Are they invited to the wedding?” Wade smirked.

“Sister wife, similar backgrounds in a relationship ain’t no bad thang, ya hear?” Peter said in the worst southern twang Wade had ever heard as they got to the car.

Yeah, Wade could see this marriage thing working out pretty well, despite Cupid’s interference.


End file.
